New Year, New Barbie

Ok so after like a totally crazy Christmas I am going to become a truly pure being in 2012. I am going to become all that I should be and stop like abusing my body and be healthy and selfless and well organised etc but more specifically, here are my top ten resolutions . . . .

1., like to lose loads of weight

2., to never drink again

3., stop using drugs to have fun

4., instead I will have fun by going running and doing yoga, cleaning my house etc

5., to really find like true love with a guy who isn't totally bad for me and stuff

6., stop dismembering friends

7., take my modeling career to the next level

8., basically get tits out in more interesting places

9., bloody hell, ten is surely too many things to do in one year

10., sod it

Happy New Year Barbie fans, hope this year brings you plenty of opportunities to waste time reading my blog when you should be doing something else. Mwah Mwah MMMMMMWAAHH!!

Girly Fun

Ay up lovelies! Just had a bit of a girly day today. I love my friends so much. They mean so much to me and it's sooooo lovely to get together and catch up on all the goss! I may not see them as often as I'd like to, but it's nice that when we do get together we just pick right back up where we left off. It's just like we've never been apart.

You know, us girlies really have to stick together. We have to look out for each other and take good care of one another.





Huzzahhh!

YEAH right! These bitches are toast!


Comin round my house, drinking my gin, playing with my stuff, watchin my telly, leaving floaters in my toilet!



There's only one Barbie round 'ere.


And you're lookin at her.










Laters taters, mwah mwah!

Ronery

Hey there Barbie fans!

Just been sitting on the beach here by myself. Feeling a bit lonely this festive time of year. Wanted to clear my head a bit so I've just come for a little sit down on this pile of shells. Ahhhhh! That's better. Just gonna stare out to sea for a bit, enjoy the winter winds tousling me hair. I think that when you're feeling a bit sad and lonely, the best thing to do is get out of the house and get a bit of air to your blank bits. I know it's December and a tad chilly but I'm made of plastic so it's OK. Yeah, I'm OK.

No, don't feel sorry for me, I'm alright. Yeah, I'm still looking for a fella but I'm OK about it. I mean, I don't need anyone else. I'm an independent woman. I'm Barbie for fucks sake!!! I don't need a boyfriend to feel good about myself.

I mean, it'd be nice to have a little bit of companionship from time to time maybe.

You know, just someone to make me feel special.

I just . . . . Oh I . . . .AAAAARRRGHH I CAN'T DOOO THIS ANYMORE I'M SOOOO LONELYYYYYY

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRGH

OH KEN, WHY DID I DISMANTLE YOOOUUUU? sniff

BLLLLAAAAAARGGHH WAH HAAAAARGH sniff sniff

G-G-Gotta go Ba-b-b-sniff-barbie f-fans

Ad a few babychamps

jus ad a few babyshams an tha

not sure ow I got meself up ere . . . blurrrrp! oopsies!!

I wen an wrote this hic, this poem for ya earlier, lemme see if hic, if I can member it all

'Chris mas chris mas everywhere
an not a drop to drink
chris mas chrismass ovatheyre
me telly's on the blink
jus carn wait for santa to trsvel down me chimney
doopy froopy ploopy ploo
gilmpy plinky dimney.'

it justs flows darlings, it just flows like a river of creative life force an like . . . . ang on a minute


Ahh thas better was startin too feel a bit sick up there. Wha was ah sayin again? Oh yeah, I'm really gerin good and writin this poetry an thinkin about ennerin some compotiton an stuff. I've got so much talen within me and tha . . .. and . . . god I love you y'know . . . you've always bin there fa mee an I'm so gratfull . . I'm like so . . . you've always li . . .oh way a minut . . .




mwaaaargrgff

mus ave been tha dodgy mince pie i ad earlier

laters barbie fans

Red Ted dumped.

Well, what can I say Barbie fans? It all wen' a bit tits up with Red Ted. Oh well, it's just another evening in by meself with a bottle of Tesco's half price Cava tonight. Well, it is Christmas after all.

Ahhhh! Just relaxing on this new chair I bought earlier down the Herne Bay boot fair. I loves a good boot fair. Couldn't believe how cheap the furniture was. For instance, this beautiful reclining dentist chair type thing only cost me 20p!

Bargainus Maximus!!

Jeepers, I'm feeling a bit blue about this whole Red Ted situation. I told him to leave in the end, he hung around for the whole weekend. I mean, we copped off at the party, I was pissed, seemed like a good idea at the time blah blah blah etc etc I dunno, I just keep goin for the wrong types. I thought he was a real tough cookie and then yesterday night he was all like, 'Oh my God, we have to watch the Strictly final,' and I was like, 'yeah, whatever douche bag.' So then he was like, 'I just like to look at the women,' but that's bollocks coz I actually saw his tweets about it later and he was really just interested in the dresses.

And he had an asymmetrical face.

Oooo, on another note. Have you seen these wanted posters they're putting up in Whitstable. They're after Sweary apparently, something about disturbing the peace and defecating on tourists ironic flat caps.

Laters, turd burgulars, I'm gonna go make some onion bhajis.

My Christmas Tea Party

OMG!! Only remembered just in time this morning that I'm like totally having some slags round for a Christmas tea party type thing.

Major panic!

The place was a right old crap 'ole so I ad a little scrub around.



Phew! This bog scrubbing is hard work eh?



Ahh! That's better. Just time for a little sit down before they all arrive. I was gonna do some party food but then I just thought, sod it. They can have tea and gin and like it. Slags.


Wowee!! The party was really going with a swing. Monkey got like totally wasted. I smoked half a cigarette with Sindy and then I was just like downing another gin, hic, when everything went like totally really bad.

Shaz's ex, Ted turned up, hic, and was all like, 'Urrrr what the fuck are you doin Shaz,' and we were all like, 'Oh my God, just Fuck off Red Ted,' and then right he was all like, 'Shaz, you said you loved me, how could you leave me?' So, then he jus' wen' totally, hic, mental and star'ed like literally tearin' her to, hic, pieces.


He totally took off her head and threw it into a cup of tea.

It was like, awesome.


He is so wild, jus like Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancin. He jus does stuff and like . . . . an like he doesn't even care abou it.

Don you jus wanna be lie thaa?

Oh red ted, you are the one I have waited for. Burrrp! Whoopsy! Hic.


We spen the res of the party dancin to 'Careless Whisper'. S'really romanic.

Shudda non be'er than to tree you fren
was sed chan than IIII bin givn
thou s'easy tooo pretend
I know you nah a fooooo

Snow in Africa

Ay up slag heaps! You've just caught me tending to me bushel. Whew! Wadda day out there? So blustery innit? Been doing a bit of indoor gardening as you can see. Couldn't be arsed to go outside today. Way too cold and nasty. I find the weather mega inspiring at the moment. I've composed a few lines of a short story that I'd like a to share with you . . . .


'Marjorie turned around. His face were pressed up against the window pane, like proper gross and stuff. He banged on the window and that. Marjorie mused on the matter awhile as he smeared a mixture of blood, snot and tears against the glass.
"Please!" he pleaded. "Help me!" he demanded. The wind smacked round the corners of the house. 'We'll have fish fingers,' thought Marjorie turning back round to gaze into the open chest freezer, 'fish fingers will do just fine.' Her face glowed in the light of her torch. It were proper chilling and everything.'

Wow, do you ever just feel grateful for all the talent that you have inside of you and stuff? I know I do. Sometimes I feel so deep and meaningful. It well freaks me out.



I'm gonna have a little soak me hearties . . .





Dum de dum de dummmmm. Tra la laaaaa. Ooooooh well there won't be snow in Africa this criss mass timeee the best pressie that they will get is looooove




I bloody love Bono. He really does so much for our awareness of situations. I mean, did you know about how it doesn't snow in Africa.

Humbled big time.



Laters haters.

Stoned

OMG do you ever think about like the frailty of life and stuff and like how everything is like happening so slowly and stuff and how it like feels like what I just said took about an hour to say and how actually it didn't take that long for me to say it.

Oh my God!


I am like totally thinking things that I have always known in my inner self but now I realise that I have known the truth all along and that everything makes sense now for the first time even though it has always made sense and I am a part of everything and everything is important and yet not important.

I love you all so much Barbie fans.


I'm going to go and eat some instant whip powder. Laters.

Lounging Around

Hola lovelies! Just hangin' around in me lounge tonight. So far I've caught the end of Eastenders and started watching some crap about the supermarkets and how their special offers aren't really special offers or summat like that. About to eat some jelly and ice cream.

Whitstable trip

Ay up lassies and laddies! I've only gone an' taken a trip to Whitstabubble for the day. Phew, I tell you what, there's just nothing more refreshing than coolin' me loins down in a little rock pool. Esp in the deep mid winter. I didn't arf get some looks from the delightful Whitstable tourists. Honestly! I just love Whitstable. Did a bit of Chopin while I was there. I bought a reclaimed ice cream cone and a vintage washed-up nappy for £78.63 which I thought were a real bargain.




Oh I could just stare at the sea for hours. In fact, I've only gone and made up a little poemry about it . . . . . ahem . . .

The sea, the sea
the endless sea
bluh-blurr-bluh-bluh-blurrr
dah dah dee dee




Me bush on the beach.





MMMMMMM . . . .creamy treat for the ride home.

Christmas Shopping

So, I've started my Christmas shopping at last. Just had a little meander around Canterbury. It's a little chaotic, esp when you're a discarded Barbie doll. I did get a few bits but I think I'm going to try and do most of it online this year. Phew! I'm pooped! Speaking of which . . .







Ahhh! Nothing like a good plopsy.

I dunno about you, but all my movements are pink and glittery. Must be all those My Little Pony's I've been eating.

Not doing much tonight. Just hoping for a nice snuggle in front of 'I'm a Celebrity . . .' with my current TILF! Haven't seen Ken for ages now. I've just got this thing for knitted guys at the moment. Don't ask me why. Just a little phase I guess.

Shopping time

Hey there you Barbie Bitches! I've only gone and come up with a little poemry whilst doin ma shoppin'



shoppin shoppin shopin
looks like it rhymes with chopin
cept it does'ne rhyme with chopin
coz it's actually pronounced 'show-pan'

Balls

You know it's just been one of those days today. Can't focus on anything. I had a bit of a sore head from last night. I think I might have got food poisoning or something. I dunno. I just kept being sick. I mean, yeah I had a few drinks but that definitely wasn't it. I think there might be a stomach bug going around or something. Well, anyway I wasn't really feeling my usual discarded self so I thought, I know what I fancy, I fancy playing with me balls.

Playing with my balls really cheered me up. You know, everyone needs a way to just switch off and get away from it all. Some read, some watch TV, some drink . . . . Me? I just like a to play with a me balls. Like a me balls.

Ciao Bambinos . . . . mwah!

Vajazzling

There's nothing like a good vajazzle on me blank bits.

Drinking on my own

Hola Barbie fans! Jus relaxin at home, avin a few drinks. Been a while since I posted. Jus chillin. Had a few wines.

Thought I might as well a few gins an' all! Ay up chicas. I feel like a dance. Watch me moves lovelies. Look an' learn. Look an ' learn.
There's nothin lika dance roun the k'chen. Whoooopa! Oooh I seem to hah taken a fall. Mus be tha inner ear infectchan, buuurp!


Thinka ha a dodgy pint. La'ers Barbie fans mmmmmmwaaahrrp x

Knitted Hats to Sell!

I'm selling some knitted baby & toddler hats on ETSY tomorrow.




Imagination, life is your creation.

Nice Soak

There's nothing quite like having a nice long soak in the bath eh? I just love to lather up my long blond nylon hair and let my cares float away. Life can be so hard when you're a discarded barbie. I've been trying to get myself some clothes for a while now. God knows what happened to my old ones! I expect they've been thrown away over the years or been coloured in by some little brat.
I dunno! It's getting cold out there. Not to mention how embarrassing it is to go everywhere naked. If I just had something to cover up my blank bits, that would do for now. Oh well! Watch this space barbie fans! MMMWAH!

Yoghurt and Stuff

Hey there beeeatches! Just been enjoying the best of this seasons fruit today. Apples and pears are lovely at the mo. Up the apples and pears me cockney sparra! Honestly, I'm just mad you know. Feeling really crazy today. Must be that Autumn wind that's blowing around. Either that or I'm just one crazy chica, just living the crazy life. Yeah!
Not much on the box recently so I hired the entire collection of Prime Suspect from the library. I've go through two so far and each episode is three hours long, so I feel that's quite an achievement. That Helen Mirren is just fab. The way she busts the balls of the other officers in her team and says things like "bollocks" to her superiors. She's a feminist icon if ever there was one.OMG! Have you ever tried a Tesco's low fat strawberry yogurt? I just love to chuff one down and they're great for my figure. Next time you fancy a slice of cake reach for one of these pots of creamy goodness. Mmmmmm! Later Barbie fans. Mmmmwah! Mmmmwah!

Busy Day

Such a busy day. I've been out in the garden getting a few bits done. I have to keep on top of it otherwise it just gets unmanageable. It's a bit of a demolition job at the moment; just clearing and weeding, preparing the ground for the spring. I'm counting on the winter frost to really break up that soil. I'd like to start growing some veg and perhaps lay some turf this spring. I've done a few bits and bobs out there since I got the house but I've never really gone for it, you know?

Anyway, I did a bit in the garden and then had a few of the girls over for coffee. Those girls are such fun, we had a right old laugh together! After that I was just pooped so I've just been hanging around the house really. Not much on the telly during the day. I've got Downton Abbey on the planner for tonight. Can't wait. It's my switch off TV you know? Helps me to really kick back and put my plasticized feet up.